In Northern Ireland

I am aware of the things that the boy sees. He loves to watch the sky – be it stars or clouds, or the sun’s rising and falling – it is his favorite book to read. The sky is a good thing, and well, good things are good. Let me make it clear to you now that I don’t dislike good things. It may be true that I am a debaucher of them, and I use them, and pervert them, so that people, like the boy, can have something to see themselves comparatively beside – I simply use good things to show the trueness of evil. You may say I am not good, that because I so deceivingly use good then I must be evil – but who are you to speak? I have cleared the minds of histories greatest, and brought out justice in my most triumphant moments, sinners go to where they deserve – many have heard my voice in their last moments, and many more will. I have brought the purest tears from the worst thieves and I am always there to remind them that despite the purity of their tears their faces are still dirt. Cause all dirty thieves will remain dirty thieves when they hear my voice, and that is how I live.
The boy watches the sky now. He is a sad case and a rare one. While he has heard my voice, he rarely listens. Nor does he listen to the voices of my brothers anymore - Ignorance and Pride. You see, I have a problem - a problem that is both worse and not as bad as it seems. My enemy, Mercy, whispers as well. And this problem is not as bad as it seems because for people to be able to hear Mercy’s voice, they must first have heard and understood Mercy’s story. My problem is worse than it seems because those who have heard and understood Mercy’s story are almost impossible to work with, because Mercy can always whisper louder than I can.
The boy has heard Mercy’s story, which is the doing of Mercy (for Mercy chooses who will hear His story). And because of that the boy has gone to Northern Ireland for the sole purpose of better understanding Mercy’s story and to tell it to as many people as possible – all to stop me. He sits on the shore of the North Atlantic and watches rain fall in the distance. A mile before him, to the west, the cliffs rise and fall giving the impression that there is more greatness in the kingdom of the earth than there has ever been in the kingdom of the world, though upon the cliffs sits the Mezzina Temple. Silhouetted by the setting sun, it stands with a simple glory in the yellow rain filled sky. The rain breaks the sky into different shades, as it falls at a slight angle onto the Temple and the sea two-hundred feet below. The setting sun is reflected onto the water, chopped up by the waves it glistens like a flashlight in a dark smoky room. The black clouds linger above casting terror in the ground below. And it all points to him on the bench - his dirty hair shaking in the wind coming up from the storm. In his cold and shivering hands he holds a letter.
“It is wonderful is it not?” I lurch to his side, and whisper in his ear. It’s a wonder he doesn’t feel the warmth of my breath.
He takes his time replying, “Yes, it is. But Guilt, I will not speak with you.”
“Boy, I wish only to admire with you what is good!” I whisper loudly to him.
The grass on a hill to the East dances in the wind, like a school of fish or a flock of birds, all moving as one – the sight temporarily consumes his speech.
“You are right Guilt, it is wonderful.”
With that the boy reaches into his pocket and pulls out his headphones, and puts them in his ears.
“Boy, I can whisper in the loudest rooms, or the heaviest storms. Your attempts are useless.”
“Are they Guilt? I suppose I don’t need my music or podcasts to remind me of Mercy. I know Mercy, and I know you are nothing but a liar.”
“Boy, I am no liar, I whisper truth! Might I remind you that you are a liar? Need I speak of the times you have lied to those whom you allegedly love? Or have lied to defend your selfishness? You are the thief. I am not. You are the dirty one here, you are the wretch - I didn’t want to bring it up, but you have left me no choice. You can cover your tracks and say all that you will about righteousness and a new life, but have you changed your ways? You are still the sinner you have always been. You listen to the voices of death and in your weakness you listen. You, with your voice may praise God, but your heart? What of your heart Boy? What can you say of your heart? If you can tell me honestly, that is if you are capable of not lying, that your heart is pure and honest. Then I will leave because I will have no case.”
Silence sat between us like the ocean beside us.
“You are right Guilt.”
The Boy sat in a quiet resolution, for much longer than I expected. The wind ran, without hesitation, through his clothing and covered his body like a cold blanket - I watched him shiver. He spoke again,
“You know in about two weeks I’m going to be going back to my home, to the people who have known me and raised me and loved me.” He crossed his legs. “When I left I was lost. So utterly lost, and to worsen my being lost I had little awareness of the fact that I was lost - your brother Ignorance played his cards well on me. Somewhere along the line I stepped a couple steps off the course and, without knowing it, I ended up much further off course that I had ever feared. That’s why I came here Guilt, to Northern Ireland; I thought that I could run from being lost and hopefully find my true self; I think you told me that. But no - no matter how far someone runs, no matter where someone hides or what costumes they wear, they will always have themselves with them. What a terrible realization for someone trying to run from being lost. What a terribly stark realization it was for me.
You are right about what you said about me. I am a sinner, and my heart is a cold and terrible thing much of the time. But that is why Mercy is so great. Mercy – the proof of Love – the reason you have no power over me. Though you speak truth in whispering to me my sins, I will reply with truth.”
He pulled his little yellow Bible from the pocket in his coat and opened it to the middle, and began to read.
“The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed. He made known His ways to Moses, His acts to the people of Israel. The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will He keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.”
We both sat in silence. I knew that my grip on the Boy was slipping and the Boy truly began to see his need for Mercy. I had to speak and fight, I opened my mouth but before I could utter a sound the Boy spoke.
“No, Guilt, let me speak. Let me tell you where I am, and who I am. I am sinner, as you have said. Oh such a case you would have against me if it weren’t for Mercy. Such guilt you could put on me that I would have no hope and such false tears. You know very well why I came here, to Northern Ireland, but let me tell you that what I found was not what I expected – nor was it my doing – but God in mercy showed me what He showed me here. It began when I first started to hear the voice of Ignorance, your brother. I never knew he was there whispering to me, he had such a good grasp on me you know. He clouded my eyes. I must have been one of his prize achievements! A Boy who knows so much but understands so little! I knew Mercy’s story but I hadn’t yet begun my yearning to understand it, I was comfortable in my ignorance. I knew Theology but it wasn’t real. Mercy broke Ignorance’s grasp over me by showing me the danger of my ignorance. The Vineyard church helped with that, it revealed to me elements of Mercy’s story that I had never even conceived - or that I had known somewhere back in the corner of my mind but had never seen, nor did I think I would ever see it. Oh my ignorance! When I came here I thought that “Healing On The Streets” meant that we went around and picked up garbage and covered up graffiti! I was wrong. Ignorance started to lose it’s grip when I started to see Mercy in action and men and woman being healed by the Holy Spirit. When I went to Church that one evening and watched as the Pastor prophesied. I was torn to pieces by how real and awesome God is. This simple revelation lead me to leave behind all that I had known and re-learn, to begin fresh with doctrine and Christian living.
I started to read the Word of God in new ways. This little yellow Bible has changed everything about me. When I asked ‘Who is God? And who am I in relation to that?’ – that is when Ignorance no-longer had any grip on my life. I started to burn with a passion to know truth! I was through lies. And what a bitter and dark and cold time it was. Truth does not become real during laughter and in the midst of comfort but it becomes real during tears and long hours of suffering and praying and reading God’s word. My Lord and Saviour said himself that ‘If you abide in My word, you are truly My disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free’. There is nothing I desired more than to be a disciple. That’s what I am doing here is it not? Being a disciple? Going about and doing the work of God? So I must abide in the word!
This was only the beginning though Guilt, as you know well, your other brother Pride truly started to put his claws around my heart in these moments. Because as I grew so rapidly so did my ego and my perception of things and people became one of inferiority. You see, as I started to read the Bible and truly seek truth I saw terrible things. That even reality might not be just as it seems – the reality of being Charismatic, the reality of being Christian, the reality of being righteous, the reality of being saved. As I realized the multiple realms and opinions of reality and I sifted them through the Bible I saw that there were many who had fallen somehow, perhaps by your doing Guilt, into a false reality. Myself, being oh so much greater than these stupid errors, fell into the deadly trap of Pride. I read through my journals Guilt, and I see the times that Mercy helped tear me from such errors, an awkward and very painful process. Awkward because I had to balance myself between self-righteous rebuking and humble admonishment with those whom I was working with, as well as, learn to hear my own errors – which were more than I could ever have thought. It was painful because I realized the complete and utter sovereignty of God in this time, and had to learn to die to myself for the glory of Jesus’ name – a process that I have not even come close to completing.”
The boy reached into his bag, lying on the bench beside him, and pulled out a small worn-out notebook. I looked over his shoulder as he turned to the date of January 16th. He read, “There is no freedom. I try to settle down and come in prayer – to speak to my Creator and cover and express my frustration and pain – and it ends with me whispering softly – perhaps in tears to my pillow or knees – that I will settle to be dead to this life. That I will be content with death to my dreams – to perhaps in no way ever be a success or worldly satisfied and pleased if that is what the Lord would have me do. For I believe it is better to be pathetic and nothing in life if that is truly what the Lord wants of you than it would be to be great and respected with admiration if that was not what the Lord truly wanted of you. If only I could grasp it with my heart – but my dreams won’t die and my desires won’t dim and I can’t let go! And yet again I don’t know why. With every sacrifice there is selfishness, with every surrender there is self-righteousness, and with every fiber of my body I am tired of myself. I want to be God’s! But I don’t know how! Because people look at me with sympathy, ‘his dreams are so big but he is not.’ I fall short of even the world’s mark. So in the end all I have is truly all I’ll ever need – grace and love from the only One who is able to save – Jesus.”
Pride will always plague me. I will never, until I die, be truly rid of Ignorance. There are dozen’s of other whisperers that I must deal with as well, some behind me and some to come. You Guilt will be with me as long as I am a sinner but your claims on me are useless as long as I cling to God’s mercy. Mercy’s story – the story of Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection as the truest act of love and mercy. You are nothing Guilt, to me and those saved, you may justify yourself by your claims of only putting things into perspective – but in the end all you are is a mutilated and perverted version of the God given gift of conscience. You don’t lead people to repentance or joy - that is Mercy and Love, you lead people to suicide and regret. Leave me guilt and let me sit in awe of what God has made before me, and what God has done for me, and what God is yet to do. You may say that I tell Jesus’ story, the gospel, “Mercy’s story” to stop you and your kind from preying on people – but yet again you are wrong Guilt, I do it to glorify Jesus. I see that you are shaking Guilt, because you have lost me. Well let me read to you from a letter that I have written to a friend back home in Canada, though I don’t think I will send it, I will read you the ending of it now as you leave.”
With that the Boy took the letter back into his hands, shuffling to the last page. It’s true that I shook, because it is rare that someone come to love Mercy so truly. I had no choice but to leave then because I had no claim to the Boy, but as I got up and left I heard his voice ringing and reading to me.
“I have been studying more than ever before, and I put the word of God on my mind and in my heart and God has changed me. He has renewed my mind. Any wisdom is naught beside the fear of God. My salvation is worked out in fear and trembling. God is all sovereign and has tested me, often with fire, but also with the most terrible cold. Pain has been God’s megaphone, and He has used distance to show me how completely I need Him. There is nothing more important than Jesus Christ in my life. When I once was the center I am now an epicycle with Jesus Christ as the glorious center. I once was asleep, but now I am awaking and I find everything drenched in the glory of God, my joy and my fear are overflowing. I am awed by everything, from the speech of a child to the billowing sea. And the reason is that the intensity and epical glory of God is becoming clearer. I sang to God Psalm 13 everyday, trusting and longing, “when will this light come?” And in a life wrecking wind, the clouds are being pushed and the light is coming through, and now I see that it was not the wind that was life changing, nor was it the clouds or shadows, but the light. Jesus Christ is Lord, and I have been changed in His never ceasing mercy.”