The Last Grains In This Hour Glass

Well here's the recording of Sand done on the nylon strings. It's a song of sand and Rock for the end of this year as the last grains of sand drop through the hour glass of 2008.

To the glory of the Everlasting God.

Sand

Poetry Tuesday - "Sand"

I'm excited to post this one. It's definitely not the greatest in terms of poetry but it successfully expressed an emotion that was felt at the time that it was written and takes us into a type of song that I'm particularly fond of - those that tell more of a story-statement than just a statement.

Sand

I came to this land but I don’t know why
It’s cold and it’s weary and it begs me to die
The one you think loves you might not love at all
The one you think is weak might be the last to fall
I hold a fist of barley and I hold a fist of rye
I hold a fist of hope and a fist that says it’s a lie

I want to move on but the engine won’t take
I want to break the silence but the silence won’t break
I want to feel your warmth but all I feel is cold
I want to be young but I keep getting old

I used to have faith but dead faith it fails
I used to have a house built of rusty nails
I said “sand is my friend at least it stays the same
It doesn’t break down it doesn’t falsely claim”
I’m cold and I’m weary, I’m beat and I’m sorry
The end has no clearing ‘cause sand has false glory

I want to move on but the engine won’t take
I want to break the silence but the silence won’t break
I want to feel your warmth but all I feel is cold
I want to be young but I keep getting old

I know in the end nothing will matter
None of this noise, none of this chatter
You say there’s a way, show me now please
I’m begging you Father now I’m on my knees

I’m tired, my God, of trying my luck
Take this sand and make it a rock

A Song For Christmas?

I think Christmas is a funny time in the music scene. We find a lot of songs to bundle into the genre of Christmas from "Here Comes Santa Clause" to "Silent Night", from "Frosty The Snowman" to "O Come All Ye Faithful" and I can't help but shut them all out of my ears (if I have the choice) in my frustration of irreverent commercialized worship music. I don't want to hear the mainstream crooning of pop stars singing about chestnuts and snow and warm fires and mistletoe because it has no relevance to the meaning of the celebration of Christmas. And my attitude towards the music that is relevant to this celebration is spoiled by that. I have a lot of trouble with this, because I think that we should rejoice as a world about the birth of Jesus... but in truth and reverence!

I am glad that this whole music conundrum will pass soon (for 10 months) but in the meantime I want to be singing my share of words of praise, acknowledgment and in reverence of the birth of Christ into the world! I am going to church and will join in the anthem of the birth of the Savior, being sung around the world tonight. Oh what a glorious thing it is!

----

I also have a song freshly written to add to the multitude (but still not nearly enough) of songs written for this event.

I promised myself I would post my first take without any editing or layering as an act of worship and trust and so here it is.

Immanuel

Poetry Tuesday - "Immanuel"

This was just written now. I will add to the noise another song.

I'll post the audio tomorrow afternoon.

Immanuel

I can’t grasp the importance of that night
When the guiding star shone dim above the Light
I know the Lord intended it to be that way
So sovereign, so subtle in His ways
I will praise You like You’ve taught me to
Like a bell is meant to ring
Like a bird loves to sing
To my Lord, Immanuel
Here with us, Immanuel

To us in sin a Child is born!
For a life of love, a crown of thorns
I thank You my Father, for giving us Your Son
For the gift of grace and victory won
The world will see the Your greatness Lord
Like the stars shine
The glory is Thine
Jesus Christ, Immanuel
Here with us, Immanuel

Glory to God in the highest
Glory to God in the highest
Glory to God in the highest
Glory to God in the highest
And on earth peace
Among those with whom He is pleased

An Article To Consider

My Dad sent me this article today about worship and I thought it was worth reading.

www.newoxfordreview.org/article.jsp?did=0202-harwood

Fixing What Needs To Be Fixed

Why did I even try to make it all fancy as if it made it better?

I tried so hard to make an impressive song and failed terribly at it... here's the way the song was written and the way it should be I think. One take with a mic and a broken guitar.

Lost and Found

From A Basement On Forest Hill

Okay! Finally I will post the song. It's far from perfect - but maybe that's a good thing?

I hope you enjoy it and that God is glorified by it.

Lost and Found

Poetry Tuesday - "Shadows"

I bring my regrets in saying that the audio for last week (Lost and Found) has proven to be very difficult. It is almost finished and so far has taken 4 complete re-starts, all with at least a dozen takes, the invention of a harmonica box rice shaker, the loss of a harmonica, the breaking of a guitar (not a joke), the disappearance of my self-confidence as an electric guitar player, bassist and tambourine player, and a lot of learning. But I'm almost done, I'll be posting it this week Lord willing! (I'm not going to quit).

In the meantime I'll post a poem for this week that was written last week. The audio demo has already been started and will be up here soon too.

Shadows

It’s morning and the shadows are drawn
Beside the false light of dew drops in the sun on the lawn
It’s been so long
Where’d I go wrong?
Has it been too long?
'Cause the shadows are drawn

There are white lights fading up above
The shadows are showing what once was love
Do we belong?
With shadows so long?
But this is your song
The shadows are drawn

There are places the dark can’t touch at all
I’ll be singing for you
I’ll be singing for you
Where the shadows don’t fall
There may be vices that are standing oh so tall
But I’ll be singing of you
I’ll be singing of you
Where the shadows don’t fall

When it’s evening and the sun fails the test
In the cold and dark world of moth and of rust
Will I belong?
So close in your arms?
After all of these wrongs?
Tight in your arms?
Thank God it’s your song
Thank God I belong
And they will be gone
These shadows so drawn

Poetry Tuesday - "Lost and Found"

It's been a week already?

I can't but laugh as I write this one out. I've spent the last few hours trying to make a decent recording of this poem, along the song that goes with it, and have failed thoroughly. It's definitely the kind of song that needs a band (and people who can actually play their instruments!). I hope you're not disappointed though and I am certainly not going to stop trying... it'll be up here this week Lord willing.

Dave (Da-eh-ave) and Megan (Megs and bacon) this one was written in N.Ireland (on your guitar Dave, as I recall) and was played quite a bit around the house, so this round is for you guys cause I miss you (to reminisce). It's a simple one, no metaphors or odd allusions, it was written as a song of redemption, thankfulness, and joy based on the parable of Jesus - the prodigal son.

Lost and Found

My mind keeps on saying I'm a failure

And my feet keep on taking me away

I receive Your estate and I throw it all away

For treasures of this world, for pleasures of myself

How many wrongs can make me a failure?

And how many steps can be to far?

How many times can I throw Your estate away?

Before You say, you're no child of Mine

I'm sorry my great Father

For all the wrong I've done

I'm sorry my great Father

For what I've become

For what I've done

Hope seems to be a false saviour

Cause hope isn't always all I need

It's hope that's broken down almost all of my dreams

It's You I want, It's You I need

Oh how abounding are Your mercies!

Oh how far does Your love stretch!

You are King of kings, You are Lord of lords

And I'm Your child, lost and found

I'm Your child, in graces anew

I Bought A Microphone

As the title declares... I have made the purchase of a condenser microphone. I still don't really know how to work it all (and I'm certainly no musician or producer - hence the frequent popping sounds and poorly mixed instruments) but I thought I'd share with you the song behind the poem that I posted just a few days ago (check previous post). I spent an hour or so in the basement laying this down and hopefully you'll enjoy it (and maybe you will if you're not too critical). Perhaps it'll be a weekly thing?

To the glory of God.

(Yes, there's a picture of a monkey. It would only let me post this as a video so I improvised... with the monkey.)

We Don't Remember (Your Glory Won't Die)

Poetry Tuesday - "We Don't Remember"

Well, I've officially declared Tuesday the day of Poetry!

Perhaps it's not really official, but if you stop by here every Tuesday I'll have an original poem posted. More often than not the poem is actually lyrics to song and therefore if you don't like poetry that isn't structured (generally cubist) then I'm sorry. Deal with it.

Today's song/poem is called "We Don't Remember" and I've chosen it as my first post for two reasons.

Firstly. It was written when I first called this blog "Vanity Of Vanities" and has a lot of connections to the purpose and thought behind this blog. They're both very obviously based on Ecclesiastes.

Secondly. It reflects my heart on the matter of original artwork and it's purpose (and lack of purpose!). This poem is foundational for the poems that are to follow (if the Lord wills). Naturally as a poet, I will not elaborate and leave that for you!


We Don't Remember (Your Glory Won't Die)

I thought I had it all together
I thought I’d seen it all through
I had ten lovers but the love wasn’t true
And I knew it too

The sun goes up and down
The wind goes round and round
All that lives returns to the ground
And so does renown

So I’m learning how to fear
Cause the end is drawing near
And we don’t remember
So this is for You
This is for You

I thought I wrote this song
I thought maybe You’d play along
I sang ten thousand songs that I thought belonged
I was wrong

I’ve been chasing after wind
For a name in humanity
I put hope in vanity only to see
That it’s a dead sea

So I’m learning how to fear
Cause the end is drawing near
And we don’t remember
So this is for You
This is for You

And the dust returns to the ground it came from
And the spirit returns to God who gave it
Your glory won’t die
Your glory won’t die

The War Over Time In The "Span Of Life"

I think time is worth warring over. Though I’m not sure I would be so rash to say that time is valuable. It can be valuable, dependent on what is being done with it, similar to money. Taking a look at the The Widow’s Offering in Mark 12, a smaller amount of money can be more valuable than an abundant amount if it is handled with faith and as a servant. Time, also, if handled with faith and as a servant, can be something that is valuable in a non-quantitative way.
As a blogger the last few months have clearly not been too fruitful and the reason I begin my comeback blog (and all three people who read this get really excited) with the topic of warring over time is because it would appear there has been a lot of time lost, and the casualties are all the great things that could have been had I warred more intensely, more earnestly, more passionately, with more love, with more faith, with more purpose! But no. Time passed. Each day with it’s individual minutes filled up with all the things I call “not much” and each 60 minutes filling up the hours of the days of the months that have trudged on like a hundred mile-long train, unstoppable, carrying all my actions. Briefly, let me desperately defend myself against my own use of words – the last few months have not been a waste, I have been, for the most part, well. Just not as well as I could have been, and definitely not as active – the train could have been longer considering the distance it has gone, though I will not dwell in regret. And I apologize for my lethargic blogging.
So again, I think time is worth warring over. I have many reasons for thinking this, but in this post (which will not be nearly as long as the previous) I will highlight three.
Firstly. Time is the medium in which we live, and therefore the medium we must use.
“Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” (Colossians 4:5,6) Loaded. Not only must we make the best use of our time when dealing with outsiders but our speech needs to be seasoned with salt and wise. Things that God does, but woe to the person that thinks God will do it without faith and without time and without discipline, both discipline in your actions and discipline on you. We need to know and we need to act, and what better time to learn and to do than the time that is now? Time is the medium in which we live, so fight for it for the purpose and glory of God. Don’t lose that war.
Secondly. Time is dear.
“But concerning that day or that hour, no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be on guard, keep awake. For you do not know when the time will come. It is like a man going on a journey, when he leaves home and puts his servants in charge, each with his work, and commands the doorkeeper to stay awake. Therefore stay awake—for you do not know when the master of the house will come, in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or in the morning— lest he come suddenly and find you asleep. And what I say to you I say to all: Stay awake.” (Mark 13:32-37) Time for us is far from unlimited. Whether were talking about Revelations, end-time stuff, or the end of your life. Therefore time is limited and dear; there is a certain amount of it that will be used, whether sleeping or awake. War against sleepiness, in the war against time. Don’t be anxious about it but pray. Pray for faith, pray for strength for righteous living, pray for usefulness in God’s goodness and His plan of mercy, pray for mercy and for a thankful heart - cause “which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” (Matthew 6:27)
Thirdly. “The days are evil.”
In the 5th chapter of Ephesians, Paul, the writer, talks about holy living and walking in love. An extremely potent and challenging section of scripture that originally inspired this post (and the next! If the Lord wills it to be written). Paul says right after he quotes from various places in Isaiah (a hasty warning to “awake, O sleeper”) to “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” (v. 15-17) Why does Paul say that the “days are evil”? I am no theologian or scholar, but I think Paul is telling us that we need to make war against the days and make the best use of our time, because if we don’t we fall right inline with the days, with the pattern, with the routine, and we become what the days are: evil. So then pray earnestly to understand the will of the Lord as we walk carefully. Make the best use of your time, war with the days.
So I think time is worth warring over. Warring against lethargy and selfishness, against pride and self-righteousness, and all sorts of evil (the “rulers”, “authorities”, “cosmic powers”, and “spiritual forces of evil” as mentioned in Ephesians 6) and sin. What though are we warring for? And I will close with this answer. That Jesus Christ died for our sins and that even though we are failures and sinful and not-deserving of God’s love, God’s wrath is satisfied in Jesus. Jesus died so that we could have mercy and God could remain perfectly just, to the glory of His name. We may grit our teeth and fight but in the love of Jesus and in His full mercy we have won the war against evil, death, and time. So, again, why do we keep warring on? Because Jesus has commanded us to for the glory of His name, and because of the glory of His name. I live for Jesus, and for the glorification of His name, and I will war for it against time, until the time comes when I have finished the good fight, and the race has been run, and the Lord calls me home. War over time for the glory of Jesus' name.

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” (1 Peter 1:6-9)

In Northern Ireland

I am aware of the things that the boy sees. He loves to watch the sky – be it stars or clouds, or the sun’s rising and falling – it is his favorite book to read. The sky is a good thing, and well, good things are good. Let me make it clear to you now that I don’t dislike good things. It may be true that I am a debaucher of them, and I use them, and pervert them, so that people, like the boy, can have something to see themselves comparatively beside – I simply use good things to show the trueness of evil. You may say I am not good, that because I so deceivingly use good then I must be evil – but who are you to speak? I have cleared the minds of histories greatest, and brought out justice in my most triumphant moments, sinners go to where they deserve – many have heard my voice in their last moments, and many more will. I have brought the purest tears from the worst thieves and I am always there to remind them that despite the purity of their tears their faces are still dirt. Cause all dirty thieves will remain dirty thieves when they hear my voice, and that is how I live.
The boy watches the sky now. He is a sad case and a rare one. While he has heard my voice, he rarely listens. Nor does he listen to the voices of my brothers anymore - Ignorance and Pride. You see, I have a problem - a problem that is both worse and not as bad as it seems. My enemy, Mercy, whispers as well. And this problem is not as bad as it seems because for people to be able to hear Mercy’s voice, they must first have heard and understood Mercy’s story. My problem is worse than it seems because those who have heard and understood Mercy’s story are almost impossible to work with, because Mercy can always whisper louder than I can.
The boy has heard Mercy’s story, which is the doing of Mercy (for Mercy chooses who will hear His story). And because of that the boy has gone to Northern Ireland for the sole purpose of better understanding Mercy’s story and to tell it to as many people as possible – all to stop me. He sits on the shore of the North Atlantic and watches rain fall in the distance. A mile before him, to the west, the cliffs rise and fall giving the impression that there is more greatness in the kingdom of the earth than there has ever been in the kingdom of the world, though upon the cliffs sits the Mezzina Temple. Silhouetted by the setting sun, it stands with a simple glory in the yellow rain filled sky. The rain breaks the sky into different shades, as it falls at a slight angle onto the Temple and the sea two-hundred feet below. The setting sun is reflected onto the water, chopped up by the waves it glistens like a flashlight in a dark smoky room. The black clouds linger above casting terror in the ground below. And it all points to him on the bench - his dirty hair shaking in the wind coming up from the storm. In his cold and shivering hands he holds a letter.
“It is wonderful is it not?” I lurch to his side, and whisper in his ear. It’s a wonder he doesn’t feel the warmth of my breath.
He takes his time replying, “Yes, it is. But Guilt, I will not speak with you.”
“Boy, I wish only to admire with you what is good!” I whisper loudly to him.
The grass on a hill to the East dances in the wind, like a school of fish or a flock of birds, all moving as one – the sight temporarily consumes his speech.
“You are right Guilt, it is wonderful.”
With that the boy reaches into his pocket and pulls out his headphones, and puts them in his ears.
“Boy, I can whisper in the loudest rooms, or the heaviest storms. Your attempts are useless.”
“Are they Guilt? I suppose I don’t need my music or podcasts to remind me of Mercy. I know Mercy, and I know you are nothing but a liar.”
“Boy, I am no liar, I whisper truth! Might I remind you that you are a liar? Need I speak of the times you have lied to those whom you allegedly love? Or have lied to defend your selfishness? You are the thief. I am not. You are the dirty one here, you are the wretch - I didn’t want to bring it up, but you have left me no choice. You can cover your tracks and say all that you will about righteousness and a new life, but have you changed your ways? You are still the sinner you have always been. You listen to the voices of death and in your weakness you listen. You, with your voice may praise God, but your heart? What of your heart Boy? What can you say of your heart? If you can tell me honestly, that is if you are capable of not lying, that your heart is pure and honest. Then I will leave because I will have no case.”
Silence sat between us like the ocean beside us.
“You are right Guilt.”
The Boy sat in a quiet resolution, for much longer than I expected. The wind ran, without hesitation, through his clothing and covered his body like a cold blanket - I watched him shiver. He spoke again,
“You know in about two weeks I’m going to be going back to my home, to the people who have known me and raised me and loved me.” He crossed his legs. “When I left I was lost. So utterly lost, and to worsen my being lost I had little awareness of the fact that I was lost - your brother Ignorance played his cards well on me. Somewhere along the line I stepped a couple steps off the course and, without knowing it, I ended up much further off course that I had ever feared. That’s why I came here Guilt, to Northern Ireland; I thought that I could run from being lost and hopefully find my true self; I think you told me that. But no - no matter how far someone runs, no matter where someone hides or what costumes they wear, they will always have themselves with them. What a terrible realization for someone trying to run from being lost. What a terribly stark realization it was for me.
You are right about what you said about me. I am a sinner, and my heart is a cold and terrible thing much of the time. But that is why Mercy is so great. Mercy – the proof of Love – the reason you have no power over me. Though you speak truth in whispering to me my sins, I will reply with truth.”
He pulled his little yellow Bible from the pocket in his coat and opened it to the middle, and began to read.
“The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed. He made known His ways to Moses, His acts to the people of Israel. The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will He keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.”
We both sat in silence. I knew that my grip on the Boy was slipping and the Boy truly began to see his need for Mercy. I had to speak and fight, I opened my mouth but before I could utter a sound the Boy spoke.
“No, Guilt, let me speak. Let me tell you where I am, and who I am. I am sinner, as you have said. Oh such a case you would have against me if it weren’t for Mercy. Such guilt you could put on me that I would have no hope and such false tears. You know very well why I came here, to Northern Ireland, but let me tell you that what I found was not what I expected – nor was it my doing – but God in mercy showed me what He showed me here. It began when I first started to hear the voice of Ignorance, your brother. I never knew he was there whispering to me, he had such a good grasp on me you know. He clouded my eyes. I must have been one of his prize achievements! A Boy who knows so much but understands so little! I knew Mercy’s story but I hadn’t yet begun my yearning to understand it, I was comfortable in my ignorance. I knew Theology but it wasn’t real. Mercy broke Ignorance’s grasp over me by showing me the danger of my ignorance. The Vineyard church helped with that, it revealed to me elements of Mercy’s story that I had never even conceived - or that I had known somewhere back in the corner of my mind but had never seen, nor did I think I would ever see it. Oh my ignorance! When I came here I thought that “Healing On The Streets” meant that we went around and picked up garbage and covered up graffiti! I was wrong. Ignorance started to lose it’s grip when I started to see Mercy in action and men and woman being healed by the Holy Spirit. When I went to Church that one evening and watched as the Pastor prophesied. I was torn to pieces by how real and awesome God is. This simple revelation lead me to leave behind all that I had known and re-learn, to begin fresh with doctrine and Christian living.
I started to read the Word of God in new ways. This little yellow Bible has changed everything about me. When I asked ‘Who is God? And who am I in relation to that?’ – that is when Ignorance no-longer had any grip on my life. I started to burn with a passion to know truth! I was through lies. And what a bitter and dark and cold time it was. Truth does not become real during laughter and in the midst of comfort but it becomes real during tears and long hours of suffering and praying and reading God’s word. My Lord and Saviour said himself that ‘If you abide in My word, you are truly My disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free’. There is nothing I desired more than to be a disciple. That’s what I am doing here is it not? Being a disciple? Going about and doing the work of God? So I must abide in the word!
This was only the beginning though Guilt, as you know well, your other brother Pride truly started to put his claws around my heart in these moments. Because as I grew so rapidly so did my ego and my perception of things and people became one of inferiority. You see, as I started to read the Bible and truly seek truth I saw terrible things. That even reality might not be just as it seems – the reality of being Charismatic, the reality of being Christian, the reality of being righteous, the reality of being saved. As I realized the multiple realms and opinions of reality and I sifted them through the Bible I saw that there were many who had fallen somehow, perhaps by your doing Guilt, into a false reality. Myself, being oh so much greater than these stupid errors, fell into the deadly trap of Pride. I read through my journals Guilt, and I see the times that Mercy helped tear me from such errors, an awkward and very painful process. Awkward because I had to balance myself between self-righteous rebuking and humble admonishment with those whom I was working with, as well as, learn to hear my own errors – which were more than I could ever have thought. It was painful because I realized the complete and utter sovereignty of God in this time, and had to learn to die to myself for the glory of Jesus’ name – a process that I have not even come close to completing.”
The boy reached into his bag, lying on the bench beside him, and pulled out a small worn-out notebook. I looked over his shoulder as he turned to the date of January 16th. He read, “There is no freedom. I try to settle down and come in prayer – to speak to my Creator and cover and express my frustration and pain – and it ends with me whispering softly – perhaps in tears to my pillow or knees – that I will settle to be dead to this life. That I will be content with death to my dreams – to perhaps in no way ever be a success or worldly satisfied and pleased if that is what the Lord would have me do. For I believe it is better to be pathetic and nothing in life if that is truly what the Lord wants of you than it would be to be great and respected with admiration if that was not what the Lord truly wanted of you. If only I could grasp it with my heart – but my dreams won’t die and my desires won’t dim and I can’t let go! And yet again I don’t know why. With every sacrifice there is selfishness, with every surrender there is self-righteousness, and with every fiber of my body I am tired of myself. I want to be God’s! But I don’t know how! Because people look at me with sympathy, ‘his dreams are so big but he is not.’ I fall short of even the world’s mark. So in the end all I have is truly all I’ll ever need – grace and love from the only One who is able to save – Jesus.”
Pride will always plague me. I will never, until I die, be truly rid of Ignorance. There are dozen’s of other whisperers that I must deal with as well, some behind me and some to come. You Guilt will be with me as long as I am a sinner but your claims on me are useless as long as I cling to God’s mercy. Mercy’s story – the story of Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection as the truest act of love and mercy. You are nothing Guilt, to me and those saved, you may justify yourself by your claims of only putting things into perspective – but in the end all you are is a mutilated and perverted version of the God given gift of conscience. You don’t lead people to repentance or joy - that is Mercy and Love, you lead people to suicide and regret. Leave me guilt and let me sit in awe of what God has made before me, and what God has done for me, and what God is yet to do. You may say that I tell Jesus’ story, the gospel, “Mercy’s story” to stop you and your kind from preying on people – but yet again you are wrong Guilt, I do it to glorify Jesus. I see that you are shaking Guilt, because you have lost me. Well let me read to you from a letter that I have written to a friend back home in Canada, though I don’t think I will send it, I will read you the ending of it now as you leave.”
With that the Boy took the letter back into his hands, shuffling to the last page. It’s true that I shook, because it is rare that someone come to love Mercy so truly. I had no choice but to leave then because I had no claim to the Boy, but as I got up and left I heard his voice ringing and reading to me.
“I have been studying more than ever before, and I put the word of God on my mind and in my heart and God has changed me. He has renewed my mind. Any wisdom is naught beside the fear of God. My salvation is worked out in fear and trembling. God is all sovereign and has tested me, often with fire, but also with the most terrible cold. Pain has been God’s megaphone, and He has used distance to show me how completely I need Him. There is nothing more important than Jesus Christ in my life. When I once was the center I am now an epicycle with Jesus Christ as the glorious center. I once was asleep, but now I am awaking and I find everything drenched in the glory of God, my joy and my fear are overflowing. I am awed by everything, from the speech of a child to the billowing sea. And the reason is that the intensity and epical glory of God is becoming clearer. I sang to God Psalm 13 everyday, trusting and longing, “when will this light come?” And in a life wrecking wind, the clouds are being pushed and the light is coming through, and now I see that it was not the wind that was life changing, nor was it the clouds or shadows, but the light. Jesus Christ is Lord, and I have been changed in His never ceasing mercy.”

Vanity of Vanities, "Why", and Fear

I’m trying to understand Ecclesiastes – which is to say I’m trying to understand “Why”. Every so often I turn to the pages between Proverbs and Song of Solomon and take a good read of one of my favorite books of the Bible. Written by Solomon (the author calls himself a “son of David” and a “King over Israel in Jerusalem” – since Solomon was the only son of David to rule over all of Israel, and not just Judah, we can safely assume it’s him). There are a couple things I’ve gathered (among many!) about Solomon from the book of 1 Kings - firstly he’s a son of David and Bathsheba and, secondly, he is the wisest man ever. God asks Solomon when he becomes king what He can give to him, Solomon doesn’t ask for riches or a long life (as he could have), but instead he asks for “an understanding mind to govern your people, that I [Solomon] may discern between good and evil, for who is able to govern this your great people?" (1 Kings 3)
This pleases the Lord, and He replies saying “I give you a wise and discerning mind, so that none like you has been before you and none like you shall arise after you. I give you also what you have not asked, both riches and honor, so that no other king shall compare with you, all your days.”
Solomon was a great King, 1 Kings explains his kingdom and the things that Solomon did. The act he is likely most renowned for is the building of the First Temple, which he oversaw. Somewhere in his ruling he wrote the book of Ecclesiastes, and I am glad he did. If you haven’t noticed this blog is titled Vanity of Vanities, with the subtitle of “All is vanity. What does man gain by all the toil at which he toils under the sun?” Both are quotes from Ecclesiastes, along with the quote at the right side of the blog. Lately, I have been finding myself reading this more and more – which I suppose is not a bad thing (whoever said you can read the Bible too much?), but I must be careful with this particular book. The reason is that Ecclesiastes isn’t the happiest piece of writing, nor is it hopeful. It is very philosophical and makes a lot of broad sweeping statements about mankind and the nature of the soul – and, well, “why”. Why we are here – the meaning of life.
Ecclesiastes is full of wisdom, though Solomon ironically says that wisdom is meaningless (although much greater than foolishness), he says repeatedly that things are “meaningless” and that there is “nothing new under the sun”, that “all is vanity” and that we all toil uselessly out of selfishness. That wealth is useless, honor is useless, wisdom is sorrow; foolishness is death, that we cannot truly know truth, he speaks of time and love, good and evil – that we are all from dust and that we will all return to it.
So why do I speak of it? Why do I title my blog “Vanity of Vanities” as if it is not vain of me to do so? and meaningless! Do I want my blog to be meaningless? Solomon is wise, and he states at the beginning of the book of Proverbs (which he also wrote) that the beginning of wisdom is to fear the Lord. The last line of the book of Ecclesiastes is this “The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.”
Solomon states that all is meaningless, that all is vanity, that all is worthless and a “chasing after the wind” but that the most important thing to do, and the best thing above all, is to fear the Lord. The only hope we have is in fearing the Lord, the only meaning we have is in fearing the Lord, that because God is the Creator and Ruler of all – all Powerful, Merciful, Perfect, and Just – that to do anything else but fear Him is complete foolishness and done in vain. The wisest man ever comes to the conclusion in his life of leadership, wealth, lovers, power, righteousness, sin, honor, purpose, joy, pain, sorrow – that it’s all but naught if it’s not done in fear of the Lord.

I want to urge this to myself, that all my toiling under the sun comes to nothing without a genuine fear of God, that is - all that is counted is what is done for Him. I want to make it very clear that I don’t say that we are saved by the things we do (justification through works is not right nor biblical). The only way to truly fear God is to submit our lives fully to Jesus Christ in faith, and declare Him to be the eternal Lord and Saviour of our souls. Which He is. Jesus had not yet entered the world as a man when Solomon wrote any of his books, therefore Solomon was under the Old Covenant (which only means his approach was according to the time, if he was saved it was not by works but by faith). Jesus brought in the New Covenant made in His blood, as He died on the cross for our sins. The greatest act of love and mercy. Fear does not mean we cannot laugh or have joy, nor does it mean we must always be trembling (though there is a time for all these things), but it means submission and acknowledgment. It means we consciously do all things for the glory of Him who is deserving of all glory. We suffer for God, we love for God, we work the land and sing for God, we wake and sleep for God, we toil and laugh and play and love for God, for Jesus. I blog for Jesus, who died for my sins on the cross, that I can blog. I do it in fear, that God, who has gifted me with certain things, would be glorified by those things – I don’t do it unwillingly! But in great joy! For the God whom I fear is a good and perfect and loving God, who is just and justly merciful, and there is nothing I would rather do than fearfully do all things for Him.

“Though a sinner does evil a hundred times and prolongs his life, yet I know that it will be well with those who fear God” – Ecclesiastes 8:12

I would love to be asked questions.

No Need To Be Ashamed

I have decided that I should begin blogging again for the purpose of keeping my own sanity, and keeping my mind sharp and accountable. This sudden change of mind occurred when I read a friend of mine’s quotes - this one stuck out – “Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.” – C.S. Lewis.
This prompted me to think immediately of the quote located at the bottom of this blog – “It has always happened hitherto that whenever I have begun to feel an attachment to places, persons, or things, of a merely temporary nature, I have been carried away from them. Amen! May I live as a stranger and pilgrim upon the earth, may we be brought to that better country where painful changes are known no more.” Henry Martyn.
I had the joy of doing a morning prayer meeting with a few other men just a couple weeks ago, we read through Philippians together and these words, which the two previous quotes echo, struck us all anew – “For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.”
Oh what other purpose am I here than to glorify Christ?
What other reason do I live than for the glory of my God?
And again – what joys lie ahead for those who faithfully lay their lives before God now!
I will begin to blog because I have not confessed with my mouth enough that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour.

I hope to do three things then in blogging, the third being the most important by far, so much so that the first two actually are part of the third.
1) I hope to improve my writing
2) I hope to be more studious and “abide in” the word (John 8:31,32). “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth” – 2 Timothy 2:15
3) I hope to be glorifying to God, to please Him in my pursuit of truth. That my living may actually be Christ, and my death will be gain.

I pray the Lord would keep me courageous, devout, and true.

A Beginning of Sorts

It has certainly been a while since I lasted Blogged, or wrote even. I never did post my reflections of this past year, although I almost finished them. I apologize; I do hope they will appear on this wall within the next couple weeks at least. I can sum it up shortly for you if you want in a quote from G.K. Chesterton – “A man does not know what he is saying until he knows what he is not saying.”

An ending of sorts

The clock has just struck 12:34, which I thought was a very nice number until I realised it is only 6 hours from when I must wake tomorrow morning. This blog will be short, and also it will be the last of it's nature. I am hereby retiring as a blogger (well, for now) and my next post will be my last. My next post, I would like to inform you, I have already started writing and is a summary of sorts of this year. I hope to have it done within this week, though I can't guarantee the inspiration and time. I am much looking forward to writing it and even more so having people read it, so keep checking up.
Aside from that, I have been well (a phrase I use all too often, though it is often sincere). Tomorrow I am going to Dublin and staying with some co-workers/friends for St. Patrick's day. It should be good craic, but please pray for safe journey for us all. Perhaps also that God would use this time to clear my mind and spend time in reflection and worship, as I prepare for my return home.
Hope to see you soon, and thanks for all your support this half year.

Omelets with some Spurgeon and a Bunyan

Who could have accounted for a 29th day of February to ruin my predictions? It seems as though I am not yet in my final month of this Irish excursion and I accredit this false prediction to the seasons and astronomical events! Couldn't this whole time thing have been worked out better? Who plans these things? Anyways, I will now say with confidence that the next time (after this one) I sit down to write a blog I will be in my final month, nearing departure. Today is a cloudy, windy, rainy day, which is about as common over here as February 29th isn't. I would have thought it would be appropriate for this day to be sunny, just to add to the rarity of it. I seem to be slipping back into my pretend anger. I will change the subject.
Ah, today I made an omelet for the first time ever (as I can recall). I had some of the guys in the house come round to the kitchen for a taste test and we can all agree that I am well pleased at finding a new talent. Though I must confess it's not as useful as others. After cleaning up the extensive mess left in the kitchen I sat down with a friend to watch a Vodcast by Mark Driscoll concerning predestination. It's like a Theological RedBull, nothing gets the doctrinal blood stirring more than a good predestination/Calvinist-Arminian debate Vodcast by a Reformist heavyweight theologian. I would, in fact, greatly recommend taking a look at Mark Driscoll's recent sermon series titled "Religion Saves, and nine other misconceptions." - it has some great points (though Driscoll tends to be overly blunt and sometimes rudely rash and arrogant). He answers questions live from people in the congregation who can anonymously text their questions, theological or social. You can also become Mark Driscoll's Facebook friend very easily and ask him questions, which I thought was cool and handy. - marshillchurch.org
I've ranted enough now on impersonal events. I have been well overall, slowly growing and making progress in my personal and thought life. I will admit that I struggle much daily at being a follower of Christ, and some days are just complete flops where others seem to be spiritually revolutionary. Overall though, I return to the word overall, I have been daily seeking Christ to be first in my heart, soul, and mind. I pray daily for a fire for Christ and a passion for truth and that His word and law would be on my heart. Please pray for me on these issues - as time goes on here and as an end is in sight I find myself becoming more and more apathetic and weak. Perhaps it is just a season, but I will not allow it to be an excuse, and so pray with me against it. I cannot let go of my goals, I cannot cease my progression. My biblical memorization has proven difficult as well, though I am inspired by what Charles Spurgeon said of John Bunyan, "Prick him anywhere; and you find that his blood is bibline, the very essence of the Bible flows from him. He cannot speak without quoting a text, for his soul is full of the Word of God." How essentially desirable is that! If there is one thing that is essential in life, other than a belief and passion for the gospel, it would be to have and know the Word of God with such intimacy that it is in your very breath and blood! Though I am far far from it, it's what I strive for... and not for any reason other than to know Jesus more intimately and to know His perfect and pleasing will. I live to please God, whether in the UK or Canada, Zimbabwe or North Korea.
Yet again, I have ranted. There has been so many good stories this week. I have had a lot of great conversations with interesting people. But now I've run out of time... I must run off now, I am attending the ticket booth at a local Aids in Africa Awareness concert. I couldn't pay the £8 to get in normally, so I volunteered.
Keep praying for me, as I am for you.

Dandelions

Well, what can I tell you of my travels and work? I find myself before this computer screen, the light bouncing into my pupils, and myself thinking about how I can express to you what thoughts I am having behind my eyes, what events are unraveling and which are beginning? Based upon my blog writing patterns (or lack thereof) the next time I am writing, in this way, I will likely be in my final month. And while there is a lot happening there also seems to be very little, I'm not sure how present my mind is on today and today's responsibilities as oppose to tomorrows (which I am all too often thinking of). It is not healthy as a Christian I don't think. And while that is my mental and spiritual ailment I don't think I have yet gotten better from my physical sickness, though at this point it is hardly noticeable nor is it as important. We've had much more sun here lately than I have ever experienced in the UK and it seems as though we are standing on the doormat of springs house, I can already smell what's for dinner. This means I might have the joy of experiencing two springs this year, oh happiness.
Lately I have been reading some of the parables towards the end of Luke, the less heard of ones that appear in no other gospels. It has been slow because I am trying to really get to the meat of what is being said. There are some scary aspects, some joyful, some thoughtful and hope-giving, others troubling and self-revealing. I ponder to myself about my servant hood and whether I have actually done all I was told to do, not even whether I could say "I am an unworthy servant; I have only done what was my duty" (Lk 17:10). It is good, and it is enriching my prayer as scripture often does. I am also trying very desperately (with much failure) to memorize Psalm 103, because under the advice of John Piper this would greatly enrich my prayer as well.
Well, other than that there is not much else to say other than tedious talk of daily events. Like yesterday I had a great time in the extreme winds of street evangelism (metaphorically but definitely non-metaphorically as well). Then went for Tea (as they call Dinner) at a friends house in Coleraine, which was nice. Today I am writing my blog and going to a local pub with fellow interns, to watch a Manchester United game (I've become a big fan of Football... oh.. uh I mean Soccer) to immerse myself in the British/N.Irish culture once again (minus the heavy drinking of course).
Other than this though, things with me are fairly normal. The dandelions are beginning to speckle the fields and my work with the church is waning as it is being passed off into other hands. I just hope that all I do and am still brings glory to God in some way or another.
See you all soon, I'd love to hear from you.

I've a fever

I don't have much to say mostly because not much happened this week other than me being confined to the walls of my house due to illness. Some kind of virus kidnapped me with a fever and chained me to my bed, stealing my health, my mind, and my willpower. I think perhaps I have escaped now though, and am undergoing my slow return to normality (there's no trace of Stockholm Syndrom with this criminal). Therefore I have not much to say other than another week has passed and I have very little to show for it other than a lot of dirty tissues. So I am not going to say more. Concerning my growth (Cause 'those not busy living are busy dying' right?) I have been exploring the different opinions on healing and signs and wonders, were they for the apostles only or not? (Something tells me this is not going to take only a couple days). Please pray for me, that my heart and mind would be continually renewed and refreshed with God's word and Spirit - and that despite my sickness or any pursuit of theological intelligence that my craving would be for holiness and godliness as a means of pleasing our Creator. My prayer will be the same for you.

A Thousand Trials

Yesterday I walked along the Portstewart strand, which sits on the sea, and I am yet again amazed. It was as if the wind were picking on the sea, swooping down and taking its shots. The sea, a drunken giant with definite temperamental issues, throwing it's fists blindly like a dazed boxer, leaving itself open to be smacked and thrown. I don't know why sometimes they clash when they can get along so wonderfully, like siblings I suppose. On this specific afternoon there was something that came between them, there were no playful fights, but anger and power. The wind throwing the sea to the rocks making it bleed its foam. I walked with very little control of my direction, a good 40 feet from the seaside wiping the seawater from my face, as it came like rain on a rainless day. It's an eye opener, and I'm not sure if I will ever see anything like it again, I'm not sure if I want to. I have learned above all here that there is more to God than I know; there is power, majesty and beauty beyond my understanding. He works, and has worked, in such a drastic amount of ways.
I have been changed, and though it may seem from my words that it has been through the things I've seen I assure you it is not, I just describe what I see to paint the black, white and red truth. Like a Psalm can be most moving when sung from a broken voice in sweet melody, “Give light to my eyes, Oh Lord, or I will sleep in death”. But it is the black, white and red words of scripture that have pierced my heart and soul, not the beauty of nature and life. I walk by the sea now to seek the Lord and perhaps then find the sea beautiful, not to see the beautiful sea in hopes of finding the Lord. Every breath to be a prayer, fighting off the prince of the air. Every thought to be a plea, “oh God surround me.” Every step a thousand miles, by the grace of God against a thousand trials.
Every day decisions are made, some more important than others, some have such an incomparable weight to others. I see clearer now, I have prayed against the will of my body for a baptism of fire, to be renewed by the Spirit of God. I am a new creation, with a new mind in the name of Jesus Christ. I am no longer conformed to the pattern of this world (though to play off rhythm takes continual concentration) and I have experienced on a level a taste of the weight of glory that has destroyed my entire mind. I can no longer see with these eyes like I had, I can no longer hear with these ears like I had. To pray with my morning’s first breath and to worship with my evening’s last sigh and with all that is in between be praise, through faith and love demonstrated in good deeds, as Christ. It is a feat, and if ever I can fully accomplish it, which I strive for, it will be because of the immeasurable grace and love of God. I once thought that the big decisions in life were the apparently larger ones, like schooling, or careers. And on a level they definitely are, though they cannot weigh themselves beside the decision of constant prayer, or the choice of praise over idolatry. I have learned this, and am trying to grasp it.
I have made a decision recently, one that would at first seem large, but really is not compared to a decision to read the word of God, which is more important than air. I have decided to come back to London, Ontario. I was not sure whether I would make this something public, but I cannot see myself hiding this from my brothers and sisters who are praying for me. In early April I will, Lord willingly, have the joy of seeing you all again.
I am having a very enjoyable and fruitful time over here for sure, but circumstances and prayer has lead me this way. I can't wait to share what God has taught me, and what questions and challenges His word has put on my mind.
I have been praying for many of you and all of you. To experience the Kingdom, which has come, and is here, and is still coming, with such a terrible weight that your mind, heart, soul, and strength would be forever changed and renewed. To know the good and perfect and pleasing will of God in all decisions.
Pray for me also, to keep my eyes set on today and the possibilities in the name of Christ.

Computers, Coffee Shops and Conversations

I have to keep this one short, not because there is not much to say but fully because there is not much time for me to write. This week has been very busy but very productive. I have spent a lot of time thinking and praying about and for people and things, as well as running and planning a lot of program and ministry for the upcoming weeks. Basically I've spent an obscene amount of time in front of the computer (which now miraculously has power after an odd run in with a broken power adapter) writing and even more time in meetings. And for all of those who care, I've done three loads of laundry and have sausages thawing on the kitchen counter... which all adds up to make the most productive week yet. I am now really beginning to find a good groove in my ministry placement and enough comfort with the culture to lose my awkwardness with the people. I am ever more pleased and excited about this experience and all that it's teaching me.
Quite a few posts ago I mentioned at least two people who I was meeting pretty consistently in coffee shops and through different ministry outlets... well I am overjoyed to say that they have both decided to follow Jesus with their lives. Praise the Lord with me, and pray for their journeys for they both have very hard times ahead. This is extremely encouraging for me to see the Lord working through me this way, and it has made all the money and time of this trip well worth it. There is nothing better, and I praise and thank the Lord for using me.
There are still plenty of people I am in regular contact with who still need prayer. That people here would come to see and know the greatness of God. Also if you would continue to pray for me - I have a lot of decisions to be made in this next week about my near future and figuring out where God wants me, so please pray that the Lord would be with me and guide my thoughts and decision making.
I am in Edinburgh, Scotland over the next week so my next post may not be for two weeks rather than one.
Thank you, your prayers are felt and yet evermore needed.

Like streams in the Negev

"Captains Log stardate 04267892. We have had another run-in with the cling-on's and I'm beginning to fear that Ensign Harry Kim is getting a fever" (Sorry I had to start one like that)
Back to Earth. I must admit, if I have never said it before, I am due for a new blog update. The title of the last entry is " 'Tis the season to be jolly," and that sure doesn't hide it's age. There has been so much that has happened in the past 3 weeks that I couldn't even conceivably put it all into one blog entry. I've had a wonderful Christmas, and I did quite a bit of cheap traveling to visit friends in England over New-Years - and somehow managed to catch Tonsillitis somewhere in between.
Currently everything in the Church work is back to normal. I am working with the Youth again, running small groups during the week and speaking on Sunday Mornings to Youth. It's been giving me quite a lot to do and I have spent a surprising amount of time in the office this week getting things going and stirring up energy that might have been lost during the extended Christmas break. We are running an acoustic Coffee-House this Tuesday as an outreach event and to kick-off the new year with our small groups, at which I am doing an acoustic set (any song suggestions?). Please pray that newcomers would show up to that and that they'd feel welcome. And at Church this Sunday I am speaking on 1 Corinthians 12 and the Body of Christ and our duty as Christians (not quite like that though), so please also pray that it goes well and that the Lord uses me as He pleases. I also have a few meetings with curious non-Christians in Coffee shops this week to answer questions and build friendships, so be praying, please, for those times and that God would give me the right words to say.
Things seem to be back to normal for me as well, I've gotten back to waking up as early as my body will allow and reading. Please pray for me as I walk in faith and that God would bless me with His presence and grace, which I am ever in need of. I have had a little bit of a time schedule shift as well because the coffee shop that I was working for has just about gone under, and I have been one of the few to be "laid-off". Money is very tight, infact it is "Nil" as they say in this country, so please be praying that God, who has power over that, would help me financially in some way. Restore our fortunes, O Lord.

Thanks for your prayers,